Happy Monday Everybody! Hope you had a great weekend. Well, for a couple weeks I’m going to take the time to answer some of the e-mails that have been sent to me here at the ALH Blog. Thanks to each of you who have felt compelled to share your personal experiences, I don’t take such lightly by any means (all names have been changed to maintain anonymity).
Trish from South Dakota writes:
Hi Lawrence! I’ve been married for close to ten years and it seems as though my husband and I have become more like roommates than lovers. I mean, I know he cares about me and all but I don’t believe he is “in love” with me anymore. I’ve tried to talk with him and he just seems more concerned with paying the bills and the day-to-day grind. I’m not perfect, we’ve both made our mistakes but I feel like I’m at the end of my rope here. I don’t know what else to give anymore to make this work. Any ideas? Thanks!
Hey Trish:
Wow. This is a tough one. There are so many things that transpire over the course of a relationship and obviously each relationship is different. But generally speaking, as you’ve outlined above, it can be extremely difficult to reach someone who is in what I will call, “willful emotional isolation”. If you’ve read my blog for any amount of time, you know that I’m a huge proponent of examining one’s self first before attempting to “fix” anything around us. So what I would say to you, Trish, as well as to anyone in your same or similar situation, is to take a little time to do a bit of self inventory and find out exactly where you stand in the situation. Re-trace the “steps” you’ve taken in this relationship and do your level best to identify your portion of responsibility for its unfortunate, but salvageable, turn.
Now, I do not say for you to identify your responsibility for the slide of your relationship to place blame in your lap. I encourage you to do so simply because the process must start somewhere. If it were your husband that wrote me, I would encourage him to do the same. And I believe that your husband cares and perhaps he just isn’t as expressive as you are. Perhaps it was an unwitting comment or remark that hurt his feelings at some point and he’s resisting your attempts to reach him in the present because somewhere in the past, he was invalidated or hurt. Now, if this is the case, I will say that it is his responsibility, or any adult in an adult relationship, to speak up when they are hurt so the water doesn’t flow under that bridge for too long, so to speak. But at the same time, we know that no one is perfect and not everyone has the ability or inclination to respond to certain situations in an ideal manner. Because the truth of the matter is, we do not live in an ideal world.
And this is where love comes in. It compels us to do exactly what you are doing here Trish: to stretch and learn how we can be better for those we care about. It motivates us to fight in the most sincere, fierce and simultaneously graceful manner possible to save our true treasures: the people in our lives. So again, just take some time to re-trace your steps and if you do find that place in all these years gone by that may have dampened part of his spirit, talk to him about it. Tell him you didn’t mean it that way BUT! And again I say BUT! Find a graceful and non confrontational way to hold him accountable for not expressing how he feels and allowing his hurt to go this far. You’re not a mind reader, Trish, and no one should have to walk on emotional eggshells in a loving relationship. Because the truth of the matter is, we all mess up at one point or another in our relationships. Be it marriage, friendships with our parents or toward our brothers and sisters. We all mess up. And if the “relating” part of any relationship is actually in effect, there is a certain amount of emotional freedom that comes with that. In other words, the more we get to know one another, we realize how human and fallible one another truly is. And with this truth in mind, we can therefore give room for infractions and misunderstandings. So yes, take the step to correct anything you feel you need to, but he needs to understand that going forward, he cannot hold your feet to the fire about an infraction you know nothing about. This is not fair to you individually and it places your collective relationship in perpetual jeopardy.
So for a time, stop trying to reach him in those deepest places and reach yourself. Find your ground again and when you are sure of where you stand, then reach for him. Because in the case of a shipwreck, one cannot save those that perish around him or her until they are first in a position of safety themselves.
Thanks for your e-mail and I hope this helps in some way. Be well!
ALH
Have something you would like to talk about? Shoot me an e-mail to: blog@alhlive.com.
Hello Everyone! Hope all is well in your neck of the woods. Things are a bit hectic for me this week, as I’m sure is the case for many of you, but I still wanted to make sure I jotted a few thoughts down so we can start a new conversation. And by the way, I want to thank each of your for your wonderful e-mails. Your feedback means alot and I do learn so much because of what you share. So thank you!